


an assassin and a comedian walk into a bar....

by itsreallylizzy



Series: John and John friends forever [1]
Category: John Wick (Movies)
Genre: Crack Taken Seriously, Other, They're just friends, for now at least, john mulaney is also an assassin, john wick is assassin, who knows why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 06:29:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14731707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsreallylizzy/pseuds/itsreallylizzy
Summary: John Mulaney is an assassin and happens to be best friends with John Wick





	an assassin and a comedian walk into a bar....

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theredvipers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theredvipers/gifts), [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> I don't know why I wrote this I wish I had an excuse but I don't

If John Wick had a best friend it was John Mulaney, and their friendship was the one thing everyone knew about the enigma John Wick. John Wick had made an effort to keep in touch with John Mulaney even after he retired, meeting up with him whenever he was in town, talking about his exploits. Wick loved getting tickets for Mulaney’s shows and he had always taken Helen, afterwards telling her stories about their years long friendship. She had always loved those stories. After one of the shows John Wick had introduced Helen to John Mulaney, and he loved seeing two the two people he loved get along. From then on they had tried to meet up weekly for a game night or something along those line. 

After Helen died, Mulaney had been around to help him with the funeral, and help him out with life until he had to return to his own job. When John Wick was officially retired he called Mulaney and asked to meet him in the Continental bar. One last night of fun. 

+++

“It’s just, nobody suspects it you know. They see me and they don’t think, assassin, they think, it’s that guy who’s on Netflix, yeah I’ve seen his comedy,” John grins. “I love it. It’s like being Hannah Montana expect I’m an assassin/comedian instead if a normal teenage girl/famous pop singer combo.” 

John Wick laughs, he loves laughing and the only two people who are able to most successfully able to get him to are John Mulaney and his wife. Now that his wife was dead, he treasured the moments he had with John even more.

“So what are you doing here John I thought you were retired,” John Mulaney asks, ordering a drink for John Wick from a passing waiter.

“I was retired.” John clears his throat and sighs. “Then I had an… argument with Viggo that didn’t end well for him. Now, Santino came back with a marker I owe him, that’s why I’m back.”

“I guess you could say retirement’s over then huh John.” 

John Wick smiled. “It was a good five years.”

“What’s your plan for getting out of this marker?”

“There is no real plan, no matter what I do, I have to fulfill the marker and I don’t think Santino’s going to want me alive after so, I’m at a bit of a crossroads.” John downed his drink and ordered another one. 

“Well, you know, I have some ideas,” John M gave the other John a crooked smile. 

“Oh? What are your tips Mulaney?” John asked.

“Well, if you’re going to kill Santino, which let’s face it, is your best option, but will probably leave you with an open contract after, so really my tips extend to this and beyond, since you’re going to want to throw whoever you're killing, whether it be Santino or anyone else, you’re gonna want to throw them off their rhythm.” John M explained,  gesticulating wildly.

“How do you do that?”

“Well you can take a tab of alka-seltzer-”

“Ok.”

“And then you chew it up.”

“Chew a tab of alka-seltzer?” John was confused. “Why?”

“Here’s why,  you'll foam at the mouth like you have rabies and that’ll throw them off their rhythm.” John finished his explanation, smiling.

“I’ll keep that in mind John.” He really would. However strange it might be, it sounded like a good enough diversion. “Have you done that before?”

John M smiled in a way that was supposed to be mysterious but mostly made him look charming before answering. “Once or twice but I don’t really need to do that. My presence is enough to throw them off their rhythm. Who expects famous comedian John Mulaney to kill them?”

“Who?”

“No one Wick, no one. That’s who.” John put down his empty drink. “Now, for my second tip. If you don’t want to leave bruises, beat them with a phone book.” He looked particularly proud of that one. 

“Why would bruises matter if I’m going to have the Continental’s services help me out with the bodies?” John asked.

John Mulaney’s face turned somber, as if he had access some sort of dark future. “One day you might not have the Continental anymore John. But it doesn’t matter if you don’t, I’ll always help you out.” John Mulaney gave John Wick a sad smile and patted him on the back before standing. “I have a job tonight I gotta get ready for, see you around John?”

“You’re never getting rid of me John.”

+++

As John Wick thought back to that night he wondered if Mulaney had known what would happen. He sat in the taxi and looked over at his phone, the screen reflecting John’s number and pressed call.

“Hey John, heard about that excommunicado business,” John’s cheerful voice greeted him and John Wick smiled despite the circumstances. 

“I think I might need some of that help you offered me last time.”

“Thank god I’m still here to offer it right. Meet me at the safe house alright?”

“Alright.”

+++

John Wick entered the safe house cautiously, just in case someone else was in there. From the shadows, he saw John come out. 

“We don’t have much time here Wick,” John said, ushering him into another room. “There’s not really much I can do for you but, the very least I can do is arm you. I know you shouldn’t be carrying around to much, you need to be able to move quickly but... here it is, this should last a while.”

It was a decent collection of guns and ammo, with some other weapons peppered in. Not too much, not too heavy, perfect to last him while he found safe refuge and someone else who could help him.

“Thank you, Mulaney.” John M. handed John W. a pouch with gold coins inside and car keys.

“Gold is still valuable outside the Continental. You’ll find the car outside on the right.” John smiled sadly, after this he had a show. Life went on, he couldn’t stay in sadness all day. “Good luck, Wick.”

“Good luck, Mulaney.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wish I had an excuse like I was really high but I wasn't I was completely sober writing this, there is no excuse there is just my mind


End file.
